How many times do I need to come before the cross before it sticks?
How many times do I need to come before an empty cross before I realize that I nailed Him to it the day I was born and I don’t need to give Him a reason to die anymore? How many times?
How many times will I die before I realize He died so I don’t have to kill myself anymore? Poison myself with things that aren’t bad, but aren’t good, ambivalent things, useless things? How many times?
How many times will I sin and repent before I realize that repentance won’t stick until I stop sinning? Until I stop doing and start thinking? Until I start doing thoughtfully? How many times? How many.
I’m sick of abusing my body. I’m sick of abusing my mind. I’m sick of eating things that taste good but do not fill. I’m sick of watching things that look good but do not help. I’m sick of listening to advice from all sides and not doing anything about it. I’m sick of rolling around in my pain instead of getting up and doing something.
It’s so much easier to talk about ignoring pain when you don’t feel it. It’s so much easier to look down on people’s pain when you’re not in their situation. It’s so much easier to say “my pain is worse than your pain” when you put on a pretense of false humility. It’s so much easier to say we have it harder than Jesus had it when we aren’t looking at Jesus. It’s so much easier to give up on God when we feel pain because we forget that nearly every bone in his body was bent out of place and every sin was upon His crown of thorns. It’s so much easier to blame God for the pain because we don’t understand how His mind works.
Every time I dislike someone it is because I do not understand how their mind works. Every time I turn my back on someone I am turning my back on their pain. Every time I look away from an offender I am becoming the offender.
Mercy. Justice. Deny yourself. Take up your cross. Taking up your cross is going to be painful. But there is infinite redemption in the end. It will be worth it in the end when you put on your wedding dress and put your hand in Christ’s and become His bride. And the Spirit and the bride say come.